Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Restraint

"never let any man touch this and this and this " her mother said , slightly slapping the untouchablity she had marked out in her own daughter's body . The little child , looked balefully over her school tie , trying to remember the things she must not do , the things she should'nt say , and ofcourse the things she should not let other people do.\
it was years later , that she remembered her mother's slight jabbing at "those parts" of her body .he asked her while he ran his fingers down her bellybutton , into the area mommy told her never to let anyone touch - "do you like it baaaaabyyyy" he slurred on , heaving and sighing , poking and pinching , groping and kissing , fondling and squeezing - she closed her eyes , as she felt the strange man , trying to rub off her bridal lipstick , ruining the pretty flowers didiyaji had put in her hair and she wanted to scream - "NO !!!!" , she wanted to tell him it hurt , she wanted to tell him that what he was doing was wrong , was chiiiii , but she did'nt , she bit her lip and followed the new rule her mother had wispered into her twelve year old daughter's ear - "never say no, ok , be pretty , comb your hair regularly , wear a clean sari and never disagree allright ?" - she tearfully heard her mother , whom she loved inspite of all the nevers and do'nts - she wanted to cling onto that woman , who had told her to not do this and not do that - but she let herself be swept away by the many arms of her brothers , uncles and her father - into a new life , where life was going to change itself , where even the right to say no would no longer exist - it was a new found level in her life , stifling or liberating she was yet to know.

she did not understand , why then did they kick her out of the house when they found that her husband's brother had tried to touch her in "those parts" - they said , she was characterless , and kicked her out of the house - her father had refused to see her face , and her mother had tearfully told her that she was a plighted child , difficult from the very beginning ---

the child had lost her tears , she was confused , there were too many rules to remember - her mother had said never to say no in the new house , she hadnt told her husband that it hurt her when he touched "those parts" , so when his brother asked her to come with him , how was she to say no ? what had happened between the finality of always refusing and always agreeing ?
was she being told to decide where to apply which extreme ?

she wanted to cry out , in joy for her new found freedom - but the very thought of having to decide for herself scared her senseless - she wasnt quite sure nymore what was supposed to be done -

the child stared at the world with quizzical eyes , for pain , fear and exhaustion , the natural agencies one has to distinguish between what one should do and what one shouldnt she had shunned and ignored since childhood.

so as her father was draggin her across the room , tearfully , in hysterical fear asked her mother - "what should i do now mother ? should i say yes , or should i say no ? what mother what ? "

she died of a violent rape a few days later. her mother , tearfully thought to herself , that the plighted child had found a miserable end - she introspected where and how she had failed in teaching her restraint .

4 comments :

Nishant......ya thats me!!! said...

god its beautiful.... heartbreaking...... no comments??? what is wrong with the world.....

PHOTOGENIC DEVIL said...

iv put it up on the other blog as well...sometimes you prove to em why i am still friends with you :)

Gautam said...

Too heavy on the soul.
It was no doubt gripping enough but i find the text color too hard to read on this kind of background.

Good work.

PHOTOGENIC DEVIL said...

@gautam : thank you :)) i will change the text colour .

thank you for the facebook.