Monday, November 10, 2008

DAWN

RAFI TRIED TO MOVE – SHE COULD’NT
SHE TRIED TO STOP THINKING – SHE COULD’NT
SHE TRIED TO STOP BREATHING – SHE COULD’NT

WHEN SHE REALISED THAT SHE COULD’NT STOP LIVING – IT WAS THEN THAT SHE REALISED THE ENORMITY OF THE SITUATION SHE WAS IN .SHE TRIED FORGETTING HERSELF – TO FEEL BROKEN – TIRED – CONFUSED –DAZED – TO FEEL AS ONE IN HER STATE FEELS – SHE COULD’NT…….
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ANDREW REMEMBERED HOW HIS FATHER’S HANDS HAD FELT ON HIS BODY.HE FINGURED THE BRUISE RIGHT UNDER HIS ELBOW- THE FRESH ONE.
HE SHOOK EVER SO SLIGHTLY AS HE PULLED OUT HIS TORN FOOTBALL FROM UNDER HIS BED. IT REMINDED HIM OF THINGS OF THE DISTANT PAST. HE SHUDDERED AS HE HEARD HIS MOTHER’S SHRIEKS. HE COULD ALMOST HEAR HIS SOUL PEEL OFF AND CRUMPLE TO HIS SHINS AS HE SAT WITH HIS BRUISED CHIN RESTING IN THE HOLLOW OF HIS BRUISED KNEES, RESOLUTELY REPEATING TO HIMSELF – “ I COULD’NT HAVE STOPPED HIM, I COULDN’T HAVE STOPPED HIM, I COULD’NT HAVE STOPPED HIM…..”

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SMITH FELT BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN HIS EAR. HIS HEAD THROBBED.
HE LAY DRUNK IN ALCOHOL & IN PURE SARDONIC PLEASURE – THE ONE WHICH BREEDS ON FEAR. HE WAS FEARED, HE WAS THE MASTER.
HE COULD’NT REMEMBER WHY HE WAS BLEEDING.HE PASSED OUT – SNUG IN THE WARMTH OF HIS POWER, THE DAZE CAUSED BY HIS FAVORED BRAND OF BEER & THE WARM TRICKLE OF THE SLOW OOZING BLOOD .
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DANTES FELT THE BAT IN HIS HANDS. HE COULD FEEL THE HOT FURY EMANATING FROM HIS PERSON. HE COULD HEAR THE THUD OF THE BAT FALLING FROM HIS HAND .HE COULD NOT SIT, HE COULD NOT REST, HIS ANGER WAS BURNING HIM. HE FELT NO PEACE – HE PACED SHAKING IN FURY IN HIS ROOM. HE TRIPPED ON SOMETHING AND LANDED ON HIS BED.HE FELT HIS BLLEDING LIP –CUT FROM THE CORNER OF A BOOK LYING ON HIS BUNK/HE LIFTED THE BOOK TO HIS HANDS & FELT HIS ANGER RUSHING OUT OF HIM. HE SLUMPED ONTO HIS BUNK UNABLE TO MAINTAIN THE STRAIGHTNESS HE HAD FOUND SO DIFFICLUT TO SNAP OUT OF ALL HIS LIFE. IT SEEMED AS IF SOMEONE HAD SNIPPED HIS SPINE IN TWO
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AS THE FIRST PINKISH GLOW ILLUMINATED HER SCARRED NAKED FORM, RAFI REALISED THAT SHE WAS THIRSTY.THE HOPELESSNESS WHICH SHOULD HAVE FILLED HER NEVER QUITE REACHED THE POINT IT SHOULD HAVE REACHED. AS SHE DRESSED TO GET HERSELF SOME WATER – SHE KNEW THAT SHE WAS ALL RIGHT. AFTERALL, HE WAS HER HUSBAND – WHO WOULD SUPPORT HER CHILDREN WERE SHE TO MOVE OUT ? HE DID LOVE HER SOMEWHERE TO HAVE SUPPORTED HER ALL THESE YEARS.
SHE WENT ABOUT BLEEDING, SHATTERED AND BROKEN YET LIVING – PLANNING WHAT TO MAKE FOR BREAKFAST.

THAT WAS WHAT DAWN MEANT FOR RAFI – IT MADE HER REALIZE THAT THE HUMAN IN HER HAD FLED LONG BACK. ALL THAT REMAINED WAS AN EMPTY HUSK. SHE WAS WORKING IN AN ALMOST ROBOTIC MANNER.
REFI HAD REALISED LONG AGO THAT EACH DAWN HER DIGNITY FLED SOMEWHERE DISTANT – TO RETURN ONLY FOR THOSE DARK HOURS WHEN SHE LAY BLEEDING IN BED.
EACH DAWN CONFIRMED AND CEMENTED THE HOPELESSNESS WHICH HER FEARS HAD INSTILLED IN HER. SHE HAD COME TO TERMS WITH HER EXISTENCE – OR THE LACK OF IT.
THIS WAS WHAT EACH DAWN MEANT FOR RAFI.
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ANDREW SAW THE FRESH BRUISE ON HIS ELBOW FROM LAST NIGHT AS THE FIRST RAYS OF DAWN FILLED HIS ROOM. HE STOPPED SHAKING AND GOT UP – PLANNING TO DRESS. HE NO LONGER THOUGHT HOW HE HAD FIRST FELT WHEN HIS STEPFATHER HAD PHYSICALLY ABUSED HIM. HE DID NOT REMEMBER HIS MOTHER’S SHRIEKS. HE FORGAVE HIMSELF FOR NEVER STANDING UPTO HIS FATHER. HE WAS SCARED.
HE THOUGHT OF OTHER THINGS – LIKE WHAT TO WEAR FOR SCHOOL, WHERE TO SIT IN CLASS AND HOW TO SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY IN SCHOOL. THE OTHER THINGS ONLY CAME TO HIM AT NIGHT.LIKE NIGHTMARES CARESSED AWAY BY DAWN.
EVERY DAWN ANDREW CONVINCED HIMSELF THAT IT WAS ALLRIGHT TO BE SCARED. HE SPUN AN IMAGINARY WORLD AROUND HIM – WHERE FATHER’S SHOWED THEIR LOVE FOR YOU BY HITTING, WHERE MOTHER’S SHRIEKED WHEN THEY WERE HAPPY.
EACH DAWN THE FIRST THING THAT HE DID WAS TO SHUV THE TORN FOOTBALL SOMEWHERE UNDER HIS BED. IT HAD NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD. IT REMINDED HIM OF SOMETHING HE HAD LOST & WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND – HIS INNOCENCE & HIS CHILDHOOD.
DAWN SYMBOLISED THE SEVERE MENTAL TRAUMA A CHILD OF SEVEN HAD FACED REGULARLY, HIS CUSHION- HIS IMAGINATION, HIS LOST INNOCENCE-THIS WAS WHAT DAWN MEANT TO HIM.

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DANTES FELT THE WARM GLOW OF LIGHT SOOTHING HIS NUMB FINGERS. HE SAW THE BOOK – WHICH HAD SIGNIFIED A BRIGHT DAWN FOR HIM .EACH DAWN HE WOULD DRESS THE WOUNDS LAST NIGHT’S FIGHT BROUGHT HIM AND THEN GET TO HIS BOOKS. HE HELD ONTO HIS BOOKS AS AN ARMOUR AGAINST THE NEGATIVITY THAT FORCED TO ENTER AND EMBITTER HIS LIFE. HE WORKED HARD TO HELP HIMSELF OUT OF THE MISERY EMANATING FROM EVERY SPECK OF DUST THAT LITTERED HIS HOUSE.
TODAY – THIS DAWN MEANT THE DEATH OF HIS HOPE- THE REAL HOPE NOT THE FIGMENTED STUFF INVENTED BY HIS MOTHER AND BROTHER.
DAWN MEANT NOTHING FOR DANTES. IT BROUGHT LIGHT TO PEOPLE AFRAID OF DARK. HE WAS A FIGHTER OF DARK – HE CREATED AND CARRIED HIS DAWN IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND.

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SMITH WOULD GRUNT AND TRY TO SHIELD THE LIGHT OUT OF HIS EYES.EACH DAWN HE WOULD DRESS UP, BEAT UP HIS WIFE SOME MORE THEN GO TO WORK – RUN HIS LARGE AND SUCCESSFUL DEPARTMENTAL STORE. HE WOULD TIP THE BEGGARS, GIVE DISCOUNTS TO THE POOR, BE CHARMING WITH THE HOUSEWIVES AND EXCHANGE PLEASANTRIES WITH THE OLD CLERK.
HE WOULD THEN RETURN HOME- AND SNAP OUT OF HIS DOUBLE LIFE.
HE WAS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE THAT – DEMONS OF NIGHT RULE BY THE DAY TOO.
FOR HIM, DAWN SIGNIFIED HIS CONTENTMENT WITH LIFE- HIS SATISFACTION – HIS POWER – HIS EXISTENCE.

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RAFI CALLED DANTES AND ANDREW AS SHE CRIED I THAT SMITH WOULD NOT STIR.ANDREW FELT THE BOUNDARIES OF HIS IMAGNARY WORLD FLICKERING AS HE SAW HIS STEPFATHER.DANTES PICKED UP THE RECEIVER & CONVERSED IN LOW TONES WITH SOMEONE.

SOON A POLICE JEEP SCREECHED TO A HALT INFRONT OF THEIR HOUSE.
LAST NIGHT DANTES HAD KILLED HIS FATHER – HIS ADMISSION LETTER TO COLLEGE CLUTCHED IN HIS HAND AS HE WAS HANDCUFFED.THERE WAS NO TRACE OF SORROW ON HIS FACE- JUST IMMENSE CALM.
RAFI SAW HER EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SON HANDCUFFED – SHE FELT FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT SHE COULD NOT BREATH- SHE FELT THE PAIN FROM ALL THE BRUISES SHE HAD BORNE ON HERSELF FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS OF HER LIFE – FOR HER CHILDREN .
TODAY SHE SAW THE FUTURE, THE SAFETY SHE DREAMT FOR HER CHILDREN STANDING HANDCUFFED AT HER DOOR.
SHE SUFFERED A MAJOR HEART ATTACK AND DIED ON SPOT.
ANDREW SAW HIS MOTHER’S FACE – CALM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIVING MEMORY- HE TURNED TO DANTES – AND SAW HIM THANKING GOD FOR FINALLY RELEASING THEIR MOTHER OF HER MISERY.’
AS ANDREW SAW DANTES BEING LED OUT THE DOOR – HE FELT HIMSELF LOST IN DROWNING CONFUSION.HE PASSED OUT, TORN FOOTBALLS, HEROIC BROTHERES AND PURPLED BRUISES ALL INTERMINGLING IN HIS WORLD.


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ANDREW WAS IN REHAB ALMOST ALL HIS LIVING YEARS – HE TURNED MAJORLY TO DRUG ABUSE. I SIT HERE WITH HIM IN A ROOM OF THE PRESENT REHAB HE IS STATIONED AT INTERVIEWING HIM AFTER THE RAVE SUCCESS OF HIS NEWLY PUBLISHED COLLECTION OF POEMS – “WHAT IT TAKES TO LOVE”. ALL NIGHT LONG HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS LIFE .BY THE TIME HE WAS FINISHED – I COULD SEE THAT DAWN HAD CREPT INTO THE SKIES. HE SENSED IT TOO. HE PLACED HIS ELBOW ONTO THE WINDOWPANE – WHERE THE FLUSHING PINK GLOW ILLUMINATED AN UGLY SCAR ON HIS ELBOW. HE SAW IT , SMILED AT IT WITH CONTEMPT AND PASSED OUT. LOOKING AT HIS PASSED OUT FORM I REALISED THAT – I NEVER THOUGHT THERE COULD BE A DAWNING SO DARK………………